Changes

Changes come
They always do
It would be a change
To have no changes

In our minds we are all schizophreniacs

Every person is a separate world. A reality bubble. Those reality bubbles sometimes overlap and we think that it's the same world. But it isn't. Our wolds are similar only because we were taught to think like that. Our world was shaped by our parents and society. But it could be different. It could be anything. Limitless world. We hold the same consensus what the world is like. But it's only consensus, and not the world itself. „Map is not the territory.“ Model is not reality. The world doesn't care what our consensus is. It is not how we see it. In reality there is no red, green or blue color. There are only electromagnetic waves. There is no sound. Yes, no sound, no music. Only vibration of air molecules, which we interpret as sound. But it is also possible to SEE that vibration. To see the music. To touch the music. To taste the music. To smell. To feel. To get burned from music.

Anyway, what is reality? Does it exist? Is there such a thing as objective reality? How could we see it? How could we experience the world as it is? Or maybe we have to try to be the world ourselves? It's interesting feeling, I have tried that. You are the world and everything is inside you, nothing exists outside. It's probably hard to sanely imagine how can there be nothing. But I haven't said that I felt that sanely. It is possible to experience how outside you – the world – nothing else exists. You are the world. Even if that world is of size of your room. Can you imagine what it's like to be a room? To be a space of the room. When music sounds inside you. You are the music. Do you know what it's like to be the music? When you weave like music. No, not "like" music, because you ARE music. Music plays from your computer in your room. But you are that music. Sanely you understand that this music was already created by someone and that some things exist outside your room. But it's not what you feel. Your experience is shouting – you are the space of the room filled with music and nothing else exists.

Now, imagine yourself going outside. (Outside what? I thought you were telling I was the whole world... – Shhh, there's no place for common sense tonight.) So, you're outside and you see a tree. And you can feel it. You feel how alive tree actually is. And you understand that it is the same being as you are. It is alive. It can feel. It can think. It is said that trees doesn't have consciousness because they don't need it and it would be too painful for them to not be able to do anything and be aware of that. But evolution doesn't care what we need, we have many unnecessary parts. And it definitely doesn't care what is painful for us. Besides, how can we actually know what trees do and don't need? Maybe consciousness to trees is even more necessary than to us. Maybe it is necessary to them BECAUSE they can't move or do anything. Because what else they have to do.

Some people say that consciousness is illusion. Secondary product of evolution. They say that consciousness is only narrator. We (our brain) have already made a decision, but we imagine that we decide by thinking consciously. Maybe consciousness is rudiment product of evolution. For us. But maybe it performs crucially important functions for trees. And it was not disposed in animals, but doesn't do anything important. We think that trees are being tossed by the wind. But maybe it's us being tossed by waves of our subconsciousness.

Some thoughts in this text were inspired by Carlos Castaneda, Alfred Korzybski and Daniel Dennett. Text was born in the amazing writing therapy group.

My old verses (back from 2011-2013)

The first one "Darkness" was created for my friend. It's actually a song.

Darkness

Oh, the lord of the darkness
Come and tame my soul
Oh, the lord of the darkness
I'm begging you for help
And oh, the lord of the darkness
Save me from the light

Darkness is coming to the world
Shadows are taking over me
Lightness never win
Only dark side will survive

Oh, the lord of the darkness
Come and tame my soul
Oh, the lord of the darkness
I'm begging you for help
And oh, the lord of the darkness
Save me from the light

Fighting for darkness in the world
Killing the lightness from inside
Darkness coming here
I will never ever die

Oh, the lord of the darkness
Come and tame my soul
Oh, the lord of the darkness
I'm begging you for help
And oh, the lord of the darkness
Save me from the light

Oh, the lord of the darkness
Come and tame my soul
Oh, the lord of the darkness
I'm begging you for help
And oh, the lord of the darkness
Save me from the light
Save me from the light

The second one was created when we were waiting for the end of the world in December 2012. It's also a song. I have Lithuanian version for it as well.

The End

The end, the end of the world
Inevitable
It will come tomorrow day
Inevitable

So live, just live in this day
In the moment of now
Because tomorrow will not come
The end of the world

Two, two thousand and twelve
The end of the world
It will come tomorrow day
So live in today

Sleepless Midnight

My dreams are going through
The highest thoughts I've ever had
And sleepless night is coming down
To see if I'm alright again.

Who cares I'm dead or live
Who knows what am I doing now
Nobody knows I'm now asleep
And there's no one caring what I'm going through.

Where do I go right now?
What do I do today, tomorrow?
What is my path of life?
And what's the meaning of all this?

If you could tell me now
What will be in the future
What is there waiting for me
And what I'll have to undergo.

But wait, just stop, don't tell me
It would be so boring knowing
What happens in the future
I'll better try to improvise
And simple live my life.

My handwriting

Vintage envelope

I bought old looking envelopes from local small things shop and decorated it with washi tape and address labels. I like it.

I actually enjoy things from that shop. You can get cute things for really cheap prices. I bought those envelopes for only 0,10€ for 10 of them.

Envelopes 2016

These are my envelopes from 2016. Some of them I only decorated, and some I did myself.

Some hand made stuff I didn't posted for a while

This is hand made calendar of 2015 May. I think it was the best of all that I did. Just a paper, pencils, felt-tips, washi tape and sticker. :)

Also a birthday card for my grandmother. I used washi tape and textile tape. Also a beautiful sticker that I got from one of my pen pals.

And another birthday card – this one is newest. For my friend. I used existing card and sticked some washi tape and stickers.









Sadly, I didn't photographed all the cards that I made and they are already gone to their receivers, so you won't be able to see them.

Random story

I am attending a course "Start Writing Fiction" in www.futurelearn.com so I have to write stories from time to time. Here is one of them.

“Even if people empathize, they still don’t know what it’s like”, - she said to her friend, sitting in front of her in the café. Alison was wearing dark violet sweater, shirt with blue and white stripes and black knitted scarf. Her wardrobe, short maroon hair and glasses with thick frames made her look artistical. She had a silver ring with a rabbit head on her right hand index finger, which I saw when she put her fingers near her mouth. Alison also had two other rings on her middle finger, but they didn’t seem as outstanding as the one with rabbit head. She was wearing no makeup, but she had dark red polished nails.

“I can’t imagine”, - her friend answered. “If I experienced at least anything close to that, I could relate. But now… it’s just something alien.” She took a cup of coffee and took a sip. “You know, I’m just being honest.”

“I know, I don’t blame you”, - Alison answered. “At least, you don’t run away from me, or don’t look at me with goggle eyes like others. When I tell somebody that I have schizophrenia, the first thing they say is: hahaha, you’re joking, right?” - she took a deep breath. “You’re different. You took it seriously once I told you.” Alison was keeping her hands near her mouth. What if she will run away eventually, - she thought, - Maybe I shouldn’t have told her. She stood up and said rapidly to her friend: “Sorry, I have to go.”

“Wait!”, - her friend shouted. “I’m sorry, did I tell something wrong?”

“No, it’s ok. It’s just… It sometimes happens like this. I have to go.” And then she left. Her friend remained sitting there if café thinking what she said wrong. “I shouldn’t have told her that her experience is alien to me. I am so not understanding. I must have hurt her. I have to do something to make it up to her. I knew she was fragile, why would I say something like that, especially on such a sensitive topic? I’m so dumb.”

Alison got back home and the first thing she done was to take pastels and draw. She was doodling random lines with the colors she felt like using. Drawing always helped her to relax. It was one of the ways to deal with her inner reality that often wanted to burst out as hallucinations. So she just drew them. But her mind was in the café. “I will have to apologize to her and explain everything.”

Mother's day card

This is the card that I made for my mother.

 I started with plain white paper. I made the background with green and blue ink using my new blending tool. I'm happy about this tool, because effect looks good. Colors are brighter in reality. Then I used edge punch with butterflied. I put the flower sticker in the middle, and put washi tape in the corner. Washi tape is not usual washi tape, it's made from fabric.

Thanks for my penpal for beautiful stickers!

This is inside of the card. Background made with pink and purple ink. I wrote greeting with calligraphic pen. I really love calligraphic pens, I have 4 of them! (I won't tell how many pens and other writing supplies I have! Because I've never tried to count it.)

New handmade envelopes

I made these envelopes for Penpalling & Letters Facebook group Decorated envelopes contest.

Writing theme. Decorated simple white envelope with washi tape and address stickers.

Nature theme. I made this one from old calendar. First I thought it was maple leafs, but it's totally cannabis leafs! Decorated it with washi tape and with address labels, whose corners I made with edge punch.

Cities theme: Paris. Decorated plain envelope with washi tape, Eiffel tower card and holographic sticker.

Vintage theme. Also decorated white envelope. First I used distress ink, then washi tape and beautiful cards. Cards from here (ink and washi tape for all these envelopes from the same shop).

2015 calendars: February and April

This year I don't have any wall calendar, so I decided to make calendars myself. Well, I was a bit lazy and made only February and April calendars. ;) I also made January calendar, but it was very simple. Didn't make any March calendar. Other months are still waiting for their turn to come. :)

February

April

Handmade greeting cards

Here are my handmade greeting cards, that have no receivers yet.

The one in the bottom in the middle is the newest one, I made it this year. I made the edge with my new edge punch. Another corner of it is stuck with tape that is very similar to washi tape (you can stick it and then restick it), but it's thicker and not transparent.

The one in the left corner in the bottom is also new, I made it before Christmas. It was supposed to be Christmas card, but I also done some other Christmas cards and this one wasn't used. In the middle there is mirror paper, which is seen through star-shaped holes, but it's other side is just simple white, so you can write your greeting on it.

Card in the middle is also made from mirror paper (with blank side inside). All cards are decorated with washi tape and with stickers.

Explosion box

This is box that I've made for my boyfriend's birthday. It is actually third explosion box that I made ever. First two were just for trying.

The box and the flower are made from one style thick decorative paper, and the cover of the box is made from another style same set paper. Flower is origami bindweed. Origami is another hobby of mine (or another part of big hand-made stuff hobby), but I don't do much of it.

And here how the box looks exploded. Another side of this decorative paper is blank, so I glued thin decorative paper to it. I also glued some tags on it to write my wishes. In the middle it's the same decorative paper from which the box is made, and I cut the flower on it, bent it back and wrote down my boyfriend's name on it.

The scroll in the middle is made of thin decorative paper and is bind with knitting yarn, from which I also crocheted my scarf. In this scroll is my greetings for my boyfriend. :)

My boyfriend really liked this present and considered it very original. I myself don't consider it very original, because I saw such boxes in many scrapbookers blogs, and I was inspired by them, and really wanted to make one myself. Oh, and there is no washi tape on it too! I really have to feel concern about this! :D

Scrapbooking

Recently I've become interested with scrapbooking. I see so many beautiful works of other people and I love them! So I decided to do something of mine.

This is my journal entry that I've made. It is made on a very beautiful A5 thick decorative paper. I added a beautiful tag, few stamps and stickers. These rose petals are from the first rose that my boyfriend gave to me. I dried them and now I can do beautiful works with them. :) The feather is actually from my cat's toy. :D Of course, it wasn't me who took it off the toy!

The only thing that I lack in here is washi tape. But I didn't know where to add it anymore. I will definitely add washi tape to other works of mine.

Oh, and some people consider that scrapbooking is mostly with photos. But as I've read brief scrapbooking history, it started when there were no photos at all. So that's my reason. I don't need photos to do scrapbooking! :)

My home decorations

Here is how I decorated my home! :)

This is my hand made autumn branch with leaves. I made it by the template from "Fensterbilder... und Co." Nr. 85 journal. This branch is on my corridor wall (and just next to it there is my postcard collection). It was the first thing that I made to decorate my home.

Branch and leaves are made from cardboard and sticked with glue to thin decorative paper. Now I bought 3D foam pads and would do similar works with it instead of glue.

This is my Christmas tree! :D It's on my room door. I made it by the template from "Papierideen filigran" journal. It's not big, only 23 cm height. I attached it with green washi tape. :) This spruce is made from thin decorative paper.

Just a white snowflake made by a pattern from "Papierideen filigran". Made from thin white paper (printing paper).

This is star, also made from the "Papierideen filigran" pattern. It is made out of orange cardboard. It is actually one color, made from one sheet, but because of shades sees like multicolor. It fits my lamp and walls color. :)

Hand-made envelopes

It's long time since my previous entry in this blog. So I decided to make this blog not only my thoughts blog, but just my blog about everything.

These are the envelopes that I've made myself last year.

These were one of my first envelopes. I actually like those tags. I cut them with figure scissors and then rimed with glossy felt-tip. These envelopes are made from A4 decorative paper.

These are small envelopes, but I really liked them. They're just cute. :) These were made from simple colored paper.

This one was first of my most beautiful envelopes. I just decorated white envelope with washi tape and a tag. There is no white space on the tag, it's only the address of the receiver hidden. :)

Hand-made envelope from A4 decorative paper. There is actually no white space, it's just addresses hidden.

This envelope is actually white, but my scanner made it look blue. :) It's just cute envelope that yet has no receiver. The envelope itself is not my hand-made, but I've decorated it with stickers, sticky tape and tags.

It also not my hand-made envelope, but everything else on it is hand made. I made hedgehog by a pattern from the journal "Fensterbilder... und Co." Nr. 85. First I added only it, and later, when I was sending a letter, I added Christmas stickers, because it was Christmas time. :)

This one is also white, not blue. Left corner is also decorated with the same washi tape, it just probably didn't fit in my scanner. :) Just cute and simple. Not hand-made, but decorated by me.

This envelope is also not hand-made. It's only stamp of the leaf in the corner and postage stamp in another. :D This is small (standard) size envelope.

This one I made myself. I made it from A4 decorative paper. I think this one is my newest. :)

I made this envelope from a calendar sheet and just added tags with dolphins. :)

This one is made from thick A4 decorative paper. The front side looks upside-down, and I have no idea how to make an envelope so that both sides would be right-side-up. I only decorated it with tags.

I made this envelope from A4 colored paper, added sticker and tag. There is no white space, there is my address hidden. :)

This envelope is not hand-made, but only decorated with washi tape all around and with beautiful flowers stamp. :) I don't remember what size it was.

I made this envelope while waiting for my boyfriend to come. It is all colored with multicolor pencils (3 colors in one pencil). The envelope itself is actually not hand-made, I only decorated it. I've sent this for my pen-pal, who haven't received my letter yet.

I've made this envelope from A4 colored paper and decorated it with stickers, washi tape ant tags. :) This one had no receiver yet!

I've made this envelope from A4 colored paper and decorated it with stickers and washi tape. Also has no receiver yet. ;)

So, that's all I have. Maybe I made more envelopes, but I didn't scanned them, so I don't have digital copies. I really like making envelopes and I'd like to have envelope punch board, but it's expensive, and I actually can make envelopes without it, so it's also not really necessary. I love decorating envelopes and letters, and making postcards. I love washi tape, stamps and stickers! :) I don't have a big collection (I'm fascinated by how much washi tape have some other hand-written letter-writers), but it's at least something.

I actually don't consider myself artistic. It's just my hobby, and I'm aware that some of my works maybe are beautiful or cute, but they are not professional, and some other of my works are just a mess and color-dissonance. But I show all of them here. :)

What I'm thinking of?

My thoughts. No posts. Does it mean I have no thoughts? No, it's just not always easy for me to write it in English. I usually write in Lithuanian, my native language. But I read in English and I write letters in English. So why can't I write my thoughts in English? I can. So here it is. In my first post I will tell, what I'm thinking of at all.

Psychology

I think a lot about psychology. I am graduated psychology bachelor. I like reading psychological books. At the moment I'm reading Tony Attwood "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome". So, I'm thinking about Asperger's syndrome, and also about autism. I see these disorders as fascinating. I would like to meet people having these disorders. And actually I've already met one – my brother. He's 6 years old and he is very smart, especially in math. I think these disorders are actually privileges, talents. Some of these people just need to learn how to use their talent.

I am also interested in various mental disorders and personality disorders. I like reading about them. And if person tells me he/she has some mental disorder, I become really interested. I ask him/her about that, how does it effect him/her. I may also become too much snoopy asking about all this. It's just because I'm really fascinated and interested.

I am interested in consciousness. I've read Jay Ingram "Theatre of the Mind: Pulling Back the Curtain on Consciousness". It's one of my favorite books. There is no particular brain region that is responsible for consciousness. But still, we have it. I mostly relate consciousness to attention. I am also very interested in altered states of consciousness. I think it might be key to answering questions about consciousness.

I am interested in neuropsychology. I like it when our behavior, feelings and thoughts is explained by the processes of the brain. I am mostly interested in activity of neurotransmitters. And, of course, I am interested in drugs that alter those transmitters. It's connected to my interest in altered states of consciousness.

Personality. I even would like to make my own personality theory. Maybe I'll write some thoughts of mine about that too. I am interested in personality types, especially those described by Carl Gustav Jung and also Mayer-Briggs personality types that are derived from Jungian. I myself probably am INTP type. I'm definitely thinking and probably intuitive more than sensing. I like analyzing people by personality types and trying to guess what types are people that I know or that I've just met.

I am interested in synesthesia. I would like to experience synesthesia myself (and I actually already have experienced it once). I am also interested in other perception things, illusions and everything. I sometimes like trying to see 3D objects as 2D or inverse then to other side. It's brain making 2D object to 3D, and it's possible to manipulate this. And it works for me sometimes. Though it's quite hard.

What else I'm thinking of

Philosophy. But it's hard to point out things that I'm interested in this topic, because I don't have much knowledge about it yet. I am only interested. Of course, what's interests me mostly is connected to psychology. For example, I'm interested in psyche problem. Psyche is not material, so where is it? How do we see images or hear sounds. All of these are only waves that become electrical impulses in our brain. And there's nothing more that these. So how can we see real images? Where are those images?

I am also very interested in reality as an illusion thing. Everything is in our brains. And actually we wouldn't know it if someone would just stimulate our brain or it's real experiences. All what Descartes said, everything what's shown in Matrix. It might be true.

Sociology. I am interested in it from the perspective that we live and there are many people around us. But we might even not know what is happening in apartment near us. Sociologists like to "look through keyhole" and it fascinates me. What other people are like? What they are doing? What we don't know? Also, what people from other cultures are. What are differences between cultures? These questions really excites me.

Natural sciences. Mostly physics. But I only read popular science books of it. I've read Stephen Hawking "The Grand Design", Michio Kaku "Physics of the Impossible" and I'm looking forward to reading Lawrence M. Krauss "A Universe from Nothing. Why There is Something Rather Than Nothing". I am also interested in some subjects of biology, especially when it's about brain. And I am also interested in medicine, especially psychiatry.

Parapsychology/esoterics/metaphysics. It might sound weird I'm interested in parapsychology, because I'm interested in science. And I am also an atheist. But I was interested in parapsychology since my childhood, so I don't limit myself to officially accepted science. I raise questions about our existence, about life after life, about god and soul. I am also interested in numerology and tarology, in telepathy and telekinesis. My interest doesn't mean that I believe in everything of that. I just ask questions, and I'm not yet satisfied by officially postulated answers. I try to found out my own answers from my experience.

Psychedelics. It's one of my main interests. But I've already pointed out some of this in psychology section. I am interested in altered states of consciousness, in how psychedelics affect brain and in mystical experiences. I think that psychedelics might answer to many science questions. And it also may have huge effect in people lives, change their life in a better way. And also I already know that most of psychedelics can be used as medicine, not only to cure depression or anxiety, but also for somatic diseases.

That's all for this time. I hope I'll have inspiration to write articles about some subjects I've just mentioned. I really need inspiration and my work depends on it, because I'm INTP type (intuitive).